Rerooting Myself

Is it just me? I feel so out of it. I feel loose, untethered, and ungrounded. I can’t seem to keep a thought in my head, finish a sentence, or do much of anything except wander around my house with a long list of to-do’s and zero desire to do any of them.

I find myself in uncharted territory and I cannot even begin to explain to you how uncomfortable everything is. My body feels like it’s 1000 pounds, my energy feels weighted yet disconnected. I have so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to but I’m completely blocked, bored, and totally discombobulated.

Then so many things hit me at once. First, I realized I haven’t been giving myself very much grace. This is new for all of us right now and instead of leaning in, I’ve been working overtime trying to figure out how to squeeze something, anything, productive out of it. Second, I let my good habits go by the wayside. Everything I was faithfully committing to previous to this pandemic that kept me sane I, for some dumb reason, let sit on the sidelines. Third, the most recent epiphany is that I am craving something I so very rarely ever crave: in-person contact. This was quite the a-ha! moment for me because I typically enjoy solitude to the maximum and the noise of everyday life always gives me the jitters. Of course, there hasn’t been much noise in the last 8 weeks and so as I was running on my well-designed hamster wheel of not knowing why I’m so “off”, it dawned on me that I am in desperate need to fill up with human connection, and not the digital kind.

My Reiki master, Sharna, said something recently that struck me as pretty profound. She said that our earthly reality is made up of all of our personal energy fields bouncing off of everyone else’s energy fields. This is what creates our reality with our families, our communities our country and then also our global reality. This is what makes up the universal energy field. So what happens when we go through a long period of our personal energy fields taking a break from everyone elses? This means the universal energy field is actually breaking down. This leads to a global transformation. One old system breaks down and ceases to exist and then a new system replaces it. What is so fascinating is that we have no idea what this new replacement will even look like. With social distancing now becoming a mainstay of our lives, it appears this transformation will take quite a bit of time. I think this might be where our universal unrest is coming from.

On one hand, breaking down the former toxic existence that we were all living in (and you know we were), and replacing it with something that is more purposeful, minimalistic, and with good intentions sounds pretty amazing to me. On the other hand, this time of un-rootedness is really throwing me completely out of any realm of knowingness. I have absolutely no idea what I know and do not know anymore. My reality is breaking down, and although I am excited to see what will become of the rebuilding, the listlessness has been very difficult for me.

I am at a place where I find the only thing I can do is what I know, and that is to do everything I can to get back to center so that the chaos around me stays around me, and not in me. I miss walking. I miss meditating. I miss taking time for my true self. I miss pondering and I miss connecting with that part of me that just knows what to do for myself. It’s like my roots are continually searching for a place to dig in, but just can’t seem to find that perfect spot. I have absolutely no idea what to do about that, but I know that right now is a time to remain true to myself.

I look forward to the replanting…