2019. 2020.
I know that most people are jumping for joy to end one year and begin a new one with hope, dreams, and goals. For me, 2019 has been one of the best years of my life in a very VERY long time and in the most unexpected ways. It has been an incredibly painful, beautiful, interesting, and whoa-didn’t-see-that-coming year. Never before have I ever wanted to hold onto one year more than I want to move into the next.
I suppose maybe it’s because this is the first year in 15 years that has been more about personal growth than professional growth. Over those last 15 years, nothing gave me more joy than figuring out how to conquer the next year and continue taking over the world. Now…I find that my focus has shifted.
I mean, I guess it’s the same old story: work work work work (repeat) until one day you realize that work is not nearly as important as you thought it was. From there, it’s still work work work work, but now the work is even harder because it’s all personal work. *sighhhhhh* All of it has been worth it.
This year I have learned SO MUCH, and this doesn’t even begin to hit it all.
Worrying about money never made me anymore money. So I quit worrying. Funny thing…I now make more money.
I believe am worthy of happiness simply because I exist, rather than believing that what I did made me worthy of happiness. So now, I’m just worthy y’all.
Putting everyone before me made me a better person, until I realized that it made me constantly exhausted, unfulfilled, and restless with my life. Now I put myself first and have found that it allows me to give so much more than I ever believed to everyone else.
Believing the word NO was a bad word. This constantly positioned me to commit to things I didn't want to commit to, give up time and space for people that did not do the same for me, and all of it left me cranky, resentful, disappointed and hurt. I am now surrounded by friends and family that love me, take care of me, enjoy me, and give back to me as much as I give to them. Damn that feels good.
The most demanding, difficult, gut-wrenching, beautiful, awe-inspiring, and extraordinary relationship I’ll ever have in my life is the one I have with myself, and it is the most important.
While I was wasting time being a “guilt-ridden mother” I was missing out on all the fun of being a mother. Yep, motherhood is scary as fuck, but I’m damn good at it and although I make mistakes I know my daughter could never ever have a mother better than me. Sure, I may still have a savings account for all the therapy she’ll need when she grows up, but doesn’t that make me a kickass mom, already having a savings account started for that?? *self high-five*
Underestimating the power of forgiveness, patience, time, and love, while overestimating the power of a hardened-heart, tall walls, believing no one can change, and a past full of hurt and broken promises can have catastrophic consequences if you let it. Thankfully we both realized we’re worth it all, and so much more. PHEW! Dodged that disaster!
Being brought to your knees hurts in so many ways, but Goddess knows it also reminds you to pray.
I’m so much more awesome than I ever thought I was, and I’m actually so much more awesome for all the reasons that society tried to tell me are reasons why I should actually hate myself, which makes me even more awesome. Yep—read that again, it might take a minute to set in.
Being good to myself, taking it easy on myself, giving myself the benefit of the doubt, and seeing myself as others see me wasn’t nearly as difficult as I thought it would’ve been…and the view is so much better from here.
I know that 2020 is going to be a truly spectacular year. I’m not sure how I know this, but I can feel it. I want this new year to include words like exploration, discovery, curiosity, learning, simplicity, and abundance. The words I am choosing to leave behind include schedule, timeline, deadline, goals, strategies, performance, and comparison, along with statements like “could’ve done better”, and “not enough”, and “can’t do it”.
I have decided that my most used statement for 2020 is now going to be “I’m just getting started…” and cannot WAIT to see how that all unfolds.
My greatest wish for myself next year is to simply be able to recognize joy when it finds its way to me, and wrap myself inside of it for however long I’ve been graced. My wish for you is that you begin to recognize just how brilliant, marvelous, exceptional, and most of all, surprising to your own self you are and can be. Never ever ever ever count yourself out, my friend. You are worth it all.
See you next year!