Nope. I'm Not Gay.
As you may have read in my previous post last week, the response to the end of my marriage has been comically interesting. You may be surprised to hear that, other than my inner circle of very close friends and family, I never considered that anyone else would care, let alone actually have an opinion as to what my role was in the completion of my relationship. Apparently I was wrong.
My “Never Expected This When Getting a Divorce” list is getting long, people.
Let’s just clear this up, shall we? Ahem…
I am not gay. Apparently, this is the most popular go-to as to why I have chosen to leave my marriage. I’m not sure if it’s the style of photography I engage in, my ballsy personality, or something else I am obviously completely unaware of, but according to my ex, this is the first response/question asked when he mentions our split to anyone and everyone. “Is she gay?”, and “Oh I’ve known she was gay for like, ever”, and “She’s gay. I knew it.” Not surprisingly, most of these comments are coming from folks that either don’t know me much, or at all.
Listen folks, I’d be more than happy to bat for the other team because I cannot, for the life of me, think of anyone more deserving of having a woman in their life more than another woman. We are, without a doubt, far superior to the opposite gender in every single way that matters, unless we’re moving or need something fixed. Then, yeah…men come in handy. It’s not that women can’t do these things (I moved into my new place without any help from the male species and that shit was mo-fo heavy but we did it), it’s that the numbers aren’t with us, and typically, neither is the desire.
As boring as this is, I’m straight. So…there you go.
I am not in the midst of a midlife crisis. This is the second most popular reason for my decision and has even been presented to me directly. Why is it that when a man leaves a woman, it’s just a man leaving a woman. But when a woman leaves a man, it must be as a result of a mental breakdown? It couldn’t possibly be as a result of her knowing her own desires and what she wants. It must be because she’s crazy. This is the most annoying question I’ve gotten from people that actually know me (including my ex!) and instantly induces the biggest eye roll I can muster, and deservedly so.
Nope. I’m also not hormonal. If you’re a woman then you don’t even need to keep reading and I can feel your “YES! RIGHT?!?” at this because we all know this is the catch-all for every single slight to the male ego and has been for all time. For the record, I’m not being overruled and overrun by hormones that have run a-muck and taken over my brain and my decision-making capabilities.
Ending a marriage is exceptionally complicated and is never ever what you think it is. We still love one another and we are the best of friends. We are also still a family, just not in the way that most people can wrap their head around. If you want to be supportive, quit making up excuses to the other person that you think will make them feel better. It’s not your place. You are not me. You are not him. You are not us, and you haven’t been a fly on our wall for the last 19 years. There is no scandal. There is no salacious gossip. What there is, if you’re paying attention, is a bountiful of love, friendship, kindness, and respect. #lessonoftheday
So to be clear, this didn’t happen because I’m crazy, or because my body has been invaded by something that prevents rational thinking, or because out of nowhere I became biologically attracted to the same sex and, thus, biologically un-attracted to the opposite sex (mentally un-attracted is a whole other thing).
This DID happen because I am a woman that knows her own heart and mind, and I am a woman that has the brains and wherewithal to know when she’s unhappy and needs to make a change to be happy.
I am a goddamn strong, independent, freedom-seeking, smart, intuitive woman that had the courage to fully accept that what once was can no longer be, while having the bravery to step forward into the unknown to seek out a new path of that which WILL be.
Lastly, when you blanket-statement someone else’s rather large life-decision with flippant reasoning, you are not only being incredibly disrespectful to that person, but you are being even more disrespectful to the women that actually are gay, going through a challenging time in their lives, or having hormonal issues. Your need to wrap your brain around something isn’t a license for thoughtlessness with regards to other people’s very real lives or experiences.
Thank you for attending my Ted Talk.