Her Light Makes Me Speechless

I hear from Roxxy every once in a while. She’ll reach out to say hello or to take a moment to say something lovely to me. It’s always something lovely.

I have now photographed Roxxy 4 times in 10 years and I can say without a doubt that each and every time has been more wonderful than the last. Her first session was for someone that didn’t deserve it. Her second session was when she found the strength to leave. Her third session was to honor a body that finds it absurdly difficult to honor her. Her fourth…well…read on.

A few years back, Roxxy began getting what seemed like a laundry list of never-ending serious health conditions. She is surviving, but it hasn’t been easy, to say the least. Each day seems like more of a struggle than the day before, but my God…I have never met someone that sees a million reasons every day to throw in the towel, yet decides each morning to not only hang on, but do so with a heart so full of life and love. It’s simply extraordinary.

When Roxxy reached out a few weeks ago and said she wanted another session, I was so excited because that meant I got to spend time with this powerful, gives zero f**ks woman and that always fills me up to the brim with everything I could possibly need. She said it was very time-sensitive and my brow instantly furrowed. Time-sensitive? I could feel a knot forming in my stomach. And then she filled me in…

She met a guy, and not just any guy. He’s caring, smart, nurturing, and everything Roxxy has ever deserved in her life. They’ve been together for a few years and she wanted a session with him. It turns out, her fourth session was to document so much beauty intertwined with so much pain I still can’t think about it without losing my breath.

The doctors told her she couldn’t get pregnant, yet she did. She couldn’t believe it. Bill has always wanted children of his own and this discovery was something that both of them could never have imagined.

The doctors also told her she wouldn’t carry to full term. In fact, they knew her body could never survive it, but hope always wins out, doesn’t it? Roxxy and Bill made the decision to allow Roxxy’s body to do whatever it decided to do, and take the little time they had to enjoy the mystery, miracle, and magic inside of her for as long as they could.

What can I say to you about preparing emotionally and mentally for a maternity session, while knowing full well that I am tasked with creating something that will become all they will ever have to keep from this life inside of her?

Of course, in Roxxy style, she brought me donuts and flowers on her session day. We hugged, we cried, we talked. I got to meet Bill. He’s just perfect for her in every way. Then we got to photographing. I won’t lie to you, it was hard for me. Everything I knew seemed to fly right out of my head and I spent most of my time worrying I would never really capture what they needed and what they wanted. I’m still not positive I did. 

Roxxy, as expected, was so positive, so full of happiness and joy with her little bump. She told me it was a boy, possibly twins, and neither she or Bill could keep their hands off that belly. It was both so magical and so painful to watch. The doctors said that if it were twins, they may be able to remove the least healthy of the two and give one babe a fighting chance. She told me she couldn’t do it. She didn’t know if she was carrying twins or not, but as we talked more and more about it, I could see she was unsure. She asked me if I thought she made the right decision…

The next day, I saw I had an email from Roxxy.

“I think everything happens for a reason, yesterday was not by chance or good timing. It was meant to be. Without yesterday, last night would have been much harder. Again you were right! You said exactly what we needed to hear. When I started to panic and freak out, Bill said “Remember what Elizabeth told you. They came in together, they will leave together.” A minute later they did. We thank you so much. Without knowing, you told us exactly what we needed to hear and do it together. They were perfect baby boys, just too small to stay here.”

Lately, I have been reminded more than once how important photography is, and this was one of those times. It doesn’t matter what you photograph and it doesn’t matter if you do it well, if you’re a professional or a first timer, with a cardboard box camera, a phone, or a $10,000 set up. What matters is capturing that fleeting, fragile, precious thing we forget to be so grateful to revel in at times…

Life.

Thank you, Roxxy and Bill, for choosing me to memorialize something so special. I am deeply honored. 

Roxxy, thank you for shining your light on this big scary world. Never stop.